Have You Lost Yourself in Motherhood?

The ad painted my soon-to-be future to look so bleak, “Dear First Time Mom,” it read “You’re going to lose yourself in motherhood. You’re going to lose friendships. Your marriage will face challenges that will make it feel like you may not survive. You will hit rock bottom with your mental health…” I scrolled past it only to be bombarded with yet another advertisement with a similar message “I Took a Parenting Break, it Changed My Life”. The author wrote about how she had begun to lose herself in motherhood and was finding it difficult to relate to her past self. “Parenting became a beautiful black hole with a mass and gravitational pull so strong that all other elements of life just revolved around it” she wrote. “If they veered off course and collided, the black hole would suck them into oblivion…. The gravitational pull of the black hole was too strong. Eventually, it dawned on me that the only way to reclaim the lost part of me was to get away from the orbit…”

Fast forward a few years, I am now in the thick of motherhood with little ones constantly clamoring for my attention. Some days feel endless and outright exhausting but here, in this busy, joy-filled season, I have found my true self. You see, before I became a mom, I didn’t realize how selfish I really was. Before I became a mom, I never realized how emotionally immature or easily overly stimulated I could get. Before I became a mom, I didn’t realize how easily triggered and impatient I could be. Motherhood is allowing me to discover my true self, it is revealing the parts of me that need to change and be sanctified. Motherhood is a journey towards refinement. It is for your sin to be exposed so you can repent and continue to grow. It is for being poured out in service, giving your life for the sake of others on a day-to-day basis. It is for revealing your weakness so that you will learn to rely on the One who has none. Yes, you lose yourself in motherhood. That is one of the primary purposes of motherhood- to lose all the parts of you the great Vinedresser wants to snip away in sanctification. To lose your selfishness, your vanity, your pride, your self-reliance. To become more like Him who laid down His life for His children saying, “This is My body broken for you.” You will lose yourself in motherhood, yes, but what you will gain is of immeasurable worth, He prunes and cuts so that fruit may flourish.

“The process of shaping the child, shapes also the mother herself. Reverence for her sacred burden calls her to all that is pure and good, that she may teach primarily by her own humble, daily example.” -Elisabeth Elliot

Lose Yourself

““Then Jesus told His disciples, ‘If anyone would come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me.’ For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.” -Matthew 16:24-25

Christians are called to self-abandonment. We are called to take up our cross and follow after Christ, motherhood provides countless opportunities for this kind of self-sacrifice. Adoptive and biological mothers alike must learn the art of self-giving, as daily we are being “poured out as a drink offering” for the sake of our children. Whether you give of your physical body and health to grow a life, or whether you give of your heart, strength, recourses, and energy to advocate for a life, all motherhood requires self-sacrifice. Motherhood calls us to die to the selfish parts of ourselves: our wants, our needs, our priorities, our desires. Perhaps that is what makes it hard. We are no longer our own. We exist as our new baby’s food source, lifeline, comfort, and home. We become our children’s’: cooks, nurses, teachers, comforters, counselors, chauffeurs, disciplinarians, mentors, the list could go on and on… It is no wonder we often feel weary, what a heavy and beautiful privilege! Yet, as humans, our nature is to want differently. Motherhood makes us realize how selfish we can be. Children are “holy sandpaper” as one of my mentors calls them, they sand away our selfishness bit by bit, helping us become more and more like our Father.

“I want to see little children adorning every home as flowers adorn every meadow and every wayside. I want to see them welcomed to the homes they enter, to see their parents grow less selfish and more and more loving because they have come. I want to see God’s precious gifts accepted, not frowned upon and refused.”
-Elizabeth Prentiss, Stepping Heavenward

“God made babies fragile, in need of comfort, love, food, protection and learning life form the ones who gave them birth. Our children are not an interruption, but God’s best plan for us to understand His own servant leadership. So we embrace motherhood with our whole heart because it is the best way to serve Him. We cannot say we love and serve Him and then reject the gifts He has placed in our hands.”
-Sally Clarkson, The Mission of Motherhood

Lose the Victim Mentality

I’ve heard it time and time again, moms complaining about their children. Motherhood is hard no doubt, children can be difficult at times (as we all can be). But ladies, you are not a victim of your children so stop pretending like you are. Motherhood is not a cross to bear, a struggle to survive, or a chore to finish and check off your to-do list. It is an opportunity, like no other, to be pushed a little further each day into the arms of Jesus. If you are a mother who is constantly speaking negatively of her children and talking about the difficulties and drudgeries motherhood brings, don’t think your children don’t pick up on it. You are sending a strong message to your children about how you really feel about them and the job God has given you to do in raising them, don’t think it won’t leave a lasting impression on them. Our children are not inconveniences, they are not burdens, they are not life-ending parasites. They are blessings and gifts from God, we should speak of them in such a way.

What if we looked at everything we have to gain from the privilege of shaping young hearts, minds and bodies, rather than perpetually complaining over all we’ve “lost”? We, not someone else, have been tasked with the unique opportunity to raise these specific kids. Is it overwhelming at times? Sure! But isn’t it also exciting? What a privilege to prepare future adults to the glory of God! To be entrusted with souls to nourish and hearts to love! What if we shifted our perspective from that of victim to that of overcomer? One mindset treats our kids as a bad thing that is happening to us, the other acknowledges the hard while still taking responsibility of the role given to us. Some days, it may feel your kids are “bullying” you, but we are adults and have been given the ability to respond with greater maturity, stability and consistency than a two-year-old. Not to mention, as Christians, these struggles only cause us to rely more on Christ for the strength and wisdom we need to face these parenting difficulties. Christ has equipped us to do hard things and with His help we CAN be overcomers of the challenges we face in motherhood.

Do Hard Things for Christ’s Sake

Motherhood is hard, yes and our society has programmed us to believe that hard is the equivalent of bad. This is simply untrue. Hard just equals hard. Hard can equal growth and great reward comes from endurance. Women are not too fragile for the work of motherhood; God has created us for this. Let motherhood stretch you and grow you. Let it shape you and mold you. Let it tear you down and build you up into the stronger, more resilient, more Christ-like, and sanctified woman God desires for you to be. If you are a mother, this is the work God has called you to be doing. You have been called to model the Christian life to your children, to raise disciples who will go on to disciple future generations, this work truly matters. All things that matter in light of eternity will come with sacrifice; this is especially true in motherhood. Keep pressing on in this hard but holy work. You are seen. Christ knows of every sacrifice that you make, He sees every task that goes unnoticed by others and the attitude they are done with. He is honored by your tireless efforts and is worthy of your all!

Learning to Love Motherhood

While most mothers love their children, it is rare to find a mother who truly loves motherhood. Many women do all they can to evade the duties associated with it by pawning their children off to daycare workers and teachers. Our society has made motherhood out to be a “lesser” job for those who only want to “waste” their time, talents and full potential. We have been taught to view our children through the lens of our culture, to see them as hindrances to our more important work and ministry, rather than as our most valuable investment and ministry. In the Kingdom of God, motherhood is a truly noble work with eternal ramifications. Motherhood is the opportunity to leave behind a legacy, to impact eternity, to create a better world than the one we will one day leave behind. Children are not simply nice little “additions” to our families to makes us feel complete and happy, Scripture calls them “arrows” (Psalm 127:3). Children are the future missionaries, preachers, evangelists, and society shapers who will go on to change the world.

We have the gift and responsibility of pointing our children back to the One who created them on purpose, for a purpose. This requires seeing children through the eyes of faith though. Why? Because children don’t typically make life easier for us, at least not in the short-term. It’s a lot of work to train and care for them, and it often requires a healthy dose of patience. Children have little ability to contribute to the productivity of our lives and homes during the first few years of their lives. They require sacrifice on many levels from the moment they come into the world. But isn’t that what Jesus came to do? To “Serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many” (Matthew 20:28). Jesus loved those who could do nothing for Him in return. We have the opportunity to express this kind of sacrificial love toward the children in our lives, pointing them back to the Savior through our love for and service toward them.

Ungodly women will view children as a burden and a hindrance to their goals and dreams because their focus is on self, self is their greatest god. Godly women are focused on the denial of self, they delight in motherhood even when it is hard because their focus is on obeying Christ and following Him is their greatest joy, even when it is difficult. Godly women persevere in motherhood and strive to delight in it even when it’s chaotic, even when they want to run. They run towards sanctification and know that what they are doing as a mother has eternal rewards. As mothers who are pursuing godliness, let this be an encouragement: It is Christ in you who helps you persevere each day and do all things for His glory. Keep looking to Jesus. Keep looking heavenward. If your joy isn’t present, press on into prayer and get your mind fixed on the presence of God. Dwell on God and rejoice in this calling that many women cannot rejoice in, because Christ is in you! Keep pressing on in the care of your children’s souls. Remember they are eternal. Love them fiercely, tend to their needs. Hold onto the truth that all of this glorifies God and He is well pleased when you do this.

Love Your Children Well

Mothers, we have a demanding job and it can be all too easy to feel as though our children are just items on an already endless to-do list: “bathe the baby”, “read to the toddler”, “wash the laundry”, “change the crib sheets”, “change the umpteenth diaper”, “call the pediatrician”, “schedule X, Y, Z for so and so” etc. Don’t become so consumed on the tasks associated with raising your little treasures that you forget the value of the treasure itself. Care for your children yes, but take time to also stop and enjoy them. Our children are gifts given to us by the great Giver, meant to be enjoyed as all of the other good gifts in life.

Love those babies, toddlers, kids, and teens, momma. Take time to get on the floor and play with them. Sit in the rocking chair and read aloud to them. Giggle with them as you tickle them. Dance with them. Look into their eyes and really listen to them when they are talking to you, even if it’s the same dream they’ve told you about a thousand times before or the dumbest knock-knock joke ever invented. Run in the sprinkler with them. Let them make messes with you in the kitchen. This day is a gift. Breathe. Enjoy it. Study those facial features that mature a little bit more each day, capture those pudgy little fingers and toes on camera. Go on those one-on-one coffee dates and buy overly priced coffees just to spend quality time with them. Relish in these gifts. Everything else will fall into place. Cherish your children as the gifts that they are. When my own children are grown, I want them to look back on their childhood and remember that I truly enjoyed life with them. I want them to know that the privilege of raising them and being their mother far outweighed any of the hardships, inconveniences and annoyances that naturally came with parenthood. I want them to know and to feel that I truly believed them to be the blessings God said they were.

Hope For the Weary

Perhaps you’ve read this far and are feeling weary, discouraged and burdened by how often you fail. I am with you, momma, I don’t write this from a place of success and achievement, I fail at these things daily. If you are struggling right now, shift your focus away from yourself and your performance and onto Christ. Our focus must be on Him, the only One who does not fail. Focus on His beauty and His great love for you. Dwell on His promises, on His compassion and forgiveness. Keep yourself in His love. One of my favorite passages in Scripture is this:

“He will tend His flock like a shepherd; He will gather the lambs in His arms; He will carry them in His bosom, and gently lead those that are with young.” -Isaiah 40:11

Our Savior’s shepherding is gentle, He cares for those who are with young. He sees your every struggle, burden and care in this work He has given you to do. When you are too weak, too fragile, too sinful to carry on, trust Jesus to carry and sustain you: “Even to your old age I am He, and to gray hairs I will carry you. I have made, and I will bear; I will carry and will save.” -Isaiah 46:4

In the busiest, most overstimulating and overwhelming seasons when physical rest and noursishment are limited, you can still find spiritual rest and noursihment to carry you through. He is our “Refuge and strength, an ever present help in times of trouble” -Psalm 9:10. Find strength in Him today, momma. When your strength is spent, His never runs out. Lean on Jesus, safe and secure in His everlasting arms. Remember that you aren’t doing this alone, God chose you to be the mother of these children, He will help you in the task of raising them. Let Him be your “strength and your song.” When parenting is wearisome you have a parent, a strong and tender Father, who never grows weary. Let Him carry you, when you cannot carry on.

“Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” -Isaiah 40:28-31