Infertility: Pain and A Settling

There have been many trials in my life in the nine years that I’ve walked with Christ. Which all of them in comparison to what others face, are very small trials indeed. But for me, they were what I needed, and Christ knew it. Through my various trials, I’m learning very slowly what often trials do for you if you’re a Christian. For a Christian, they may come as chastening from a loving Father’s hand for sin in your life. But more than often they come in order to reveal sin that you did not know was there. How often it seems when life is smooth, going well, getting a little comfortable, a trial will come out of nowhere. All of a sudden you’re dealing with sin rising up in your heart. You think, “I didn’t know this would make me so angry, or why am I having this pride issue?”

A refining fire, my friend.

“And I will bring the third part through the fire, and will refine them as silver is refined, and will try them as gold is tried: they shall call on my name, and I will hear them: I will say, It is my people: and they shall say, The LORD is my God.” Zec 13:9

All of this dross comes to the surface that you didn’t know was there. Why? So that you may make war on it, repent of it and be at greater peace. When you come to view trials in this way, you can have thankfulness for them. For the refining, sifting, pain, and grief, is all working for your greater peace. 

Christ knows this. That’s why he sends or allows trials. 

I had begun to learn this in my 10 years of singleness, and then after marriage I expected life to have a season of ease. But then right away, we were faced with infertility. I had never calculated in this kind of trial. But there it was. What a brutal blow to my hopes and dreams of being a mother and having a family. This was at the core of my identity as a woman, of wanting to bear children in my womb. The grieve was very deep.  Once again, sin rose to the surface as I battled through depression, anger, fear, anxiety, grief and distrust in my Father. By His grace, I clung on. He held me and is still holding me now. 

Infertility is teaching me that I still have more dross that needs cleaned away. The dross of pride, loving myself, and loving my dreams. Everything in life granted to us is a gift. It’s right to desire and ask for good gifts. So ask! But we cannot demand anything, because we deserve nothing, and we owe all to Christ. Our sanctification means laying all on the altar. He means to have all of us. Do we not want Him to have all?

“But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.”  1 Peter 5:10

Bit by bit, we open clutched hands. Surrendering. We cannot hold back dreams and gifts for ourselves. They all must be laid down before Christ’s feet. This surrendering is the settling. A deeper peace. A peace not resting in dreams and gifts. But in our Maker, who is more than worthy. All our trials are only sent “if need be”.  If Christ sees them as necessary for our growth and sanctification, they will come. But oh my friend, they will bring peace. They will bring settling. They will bring rest. They will make your faith stronger. And for those reasons, they are very much worth it. You can find in them Christ’s love in a deeper way. These trials help us rest more fully on the Rock, which is more solid than life’s dreams.

“Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations: That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:” 1 Peter 1:5-6

Although I do not see the end of our infertility at this moment from where I stand, there has been a settling and a peace as I slowly surrender my dream. Does it still hurt? Yes. Do we still ask for a child? Yes, every day. Tears come to my eyes as I write these words, because I am still very weak. But Christ is near.  He has given me grace to give my dreams to Him, and be thankful for what He has given already. What He has already given is so much beyond what I deserve. I am so thankful for all His gifts throughout my whole life.

I have Christ, and Him for all eternity. And this is the greatest gift of all! 

“I can be certain of the ultimate, when I am uncertain of the immediate.”